Smiths Falls Ontario - Peter Johansen says "All aboard" as he takes us for a ride on the rails, figuratively speaking that is.
 
What are you singing?
 
"I've been working on the railroad, all the live-long day."
 
That's because I'm just back from "Live the Life of a Railroader", a hands-on learning program at the Railway Museum of Eastern Ontario in Smiths Falls.
 
I learned a lot about the railroad jobs of yesteryear.
 
That sounds interesting, but is it fun?
 
You bet.
 
Over 4 1/2 hours my wife and I toured this hidden gem, spread over 11 acres, drove a handcar, clambered aboard historic locomotives, cabooses, and freight cars, tried our hand at railroad telegraphy, and learned a few rudimentary signals needed to back a 1957 engine onto a caboose.
 
Over lunch, I also heard a lot of inside stories about Canadian railroad life.
 
Tell me more.
 
After receiving a rule book and railroader's bandana, we met Graeme Roy, a museum volunteer who's a whiz at railroad telegraphy.
 
He showed us around the station office, where a telegraph operator did everything from sell passenger tickets to prepare paper messages for passing trains.
 
In the days before two-way radios, engineers leaned out the window to grab these warnings about problems ahead as they chugged by.
 
Graeme also demonstrated signal lanterns and paddle-like signal arms, which alerted drivers to slow down or stop.
 
He outlined the importance of accurate time keeping, and explained the art of telegraphy, where nimble fingers and precise pacing are critical.
 
When it came my turn to try, well, let's just say tragedy would strike before I spelled out "stop."
 
What next?
 
We joined Tony Humphrey, who was a train engineer for more than 35 years, and John Weir, formerly a brakeman and conductor for both the CNR and CPR.
 
They guided us around the museum property, which holds such surprises as a five-ton Cadillac that rolls along the rails, it was built for a former CPR president, and a mobile dental office that once serviced remote northern communities.
 
They explained everything from the effect of rain on train speed to the delays it takes before the engineer's brakes reach the caboose.
 
What else did you learn?
 
I picked up some railroader's lingo:  hose bag, frog, van, glad hand, lifting a car, pull the pin.
 
I learned from experience that it gets easier to pump a handcar once you're rolling.
 
I now know how gently cars must be coupled together, even though an engineer can't see where the coupling mechanisms actually are.
 
And I appreciate how tough this work was, hand shoveling 40 tons of coal to stoke an engine on the run from Chalk River to Smiths Falls, for example, or working 32-hour shifts, or living in an uninsulated caboose that's boiling in summer, freezing in winter, and catches the train's smoke all the time.
 
Is this program strictly for adults?
 
No, it makes a terrific family outing, though for safety reasons, kids must be at least 10.
 
But youngsters of all ages can visit 5 Dec 2015 when the museum holds its annual North Pole day.
 
The afternoon event features train rides, a visit from Santa, refreshments, and a chance to decorate Christmas ornaments.
 
Logistics, please?
 
You need at least six people, and up to 12, to book the railroader experience, which runs Sundays and Tuesdays.
 
Cost is $65 per person.
 
To book, call the museum at (613) 283-5696 or email info@rmeo.org.
 
From Ottawa, the most direct route is to head south on Highway 416 to Roger Stevens Drive (Exit 49), then west for about 40 kilometres into Smiths Falls.
 
At Elmsley Street, proceed on the slight dogleg along Cornelia Street.
 
Turn left onto William Street West.
 
The museum is at 90 William Street West on your left.
 
For further information, visit the museum's web site www.rmeo.org.
 
For a wealth of other area information, consult the Ontario Highlands Tourism Organization web site.
 
What else did you do in Smiths Falls?
 
After the museum, we refuelled at Cafe 7 West (part of an old bakery complex at 7 Russell Street West).
 
Owner Laurie Anne Brennan focuses on local producers for her tasty entrees, such as chicken pot pie or braised beef brisket on brioche.
 
I can attest to her decadent chocolate truffle brownies.
 
Interesting adjacent shops include The Gilded Monarch (think quilted Christmas stockings, chalk paint, and artisan soap) and The Artisan Loft (from glass garden totems to consignment clothes).
 
Peter Johansen.